I am a Gem---- ini
Today I am 3+3 years old= 6
I was born on 6-6 to the 6th child of 2 Gem-inis.... I am one of 2 children... Its no coincidence that I seek balance in everything I do.
About the #6:
Connects above and below, reconciliation, intellectual creativity, discrimination, imagination, union, love, perfection, ability to use the imagination and the intellect combined, relatedness, taking responsibility for choices. The number 6 is the 'Mother' number and is essentially a working, building number. It symbolizes responsibility and service, which needs to be achieved through love, nurturing and protection. There is an innate desire within the 6 to bring harmony, peace, justice and truth to all experiences in life. There is a perfected sense of balance with the 6 vibration. 6 thrives on beauty and needs to be comfortable in all areas of their lives – emotionally, spiritually and physically. People are drawn to the loving, magnetic energy of the 6 vibration.
I am a culmination of all the DNA my parents gave me, the experiences God put me in and the people that I surround myself. I am so different than the person I used to be and yet I feel like the core of me has not changed. I love hard still, I still want to protect those I love and protect myself. I still can't move away from my family and base my life around my nephews. I still love those that have hurt me the most. I still love to create, socialize, dance and desire me time. I now doubt love for me but I still want it so bad. I still have faith in Christ-- and even more now. I am still me- but a new me...
New Beginnings
I recently quit my job to pursue my passion- educational consulting. The idea of making such a huge change stemmed from losing so many loved ones and now dealing with my father's illness. I suppose the overall feeling is this--- I refuse to live another day not doing what I am called to do and especially not another day my father walks this Earth. I am a Daddy's girl- making him proud is in me to do. Being able to support my loved ones is in me to do. I literally hated going to work. Lots of sleepless night and waking up crying all because I knew I was meant to do something else. But what is so good about God is, He plants a seed and gives you what you need. So for the past few years I have had friends that - whether they know it or not- have stepped out on faith. I am a witness to so many testimonies. So with my new found chutzpah (Yiddish for balls) I have quit my job and reached out to friends that are doing what I want to do. I hope to first be ready for my purpose so I intend to gain knowledge- call this my own personal internship. Second, I plan to earn enough money and have a career that will allow me to be there for my daddy and family. So far my journey has taken me to Los Angeles--- if nothing else my trip confirmed I can really really do this and LOVE it!
Love
In my life I have loved only one that made me feel so special and protected-- I am a survivor of sexual abuse so I needed and still do yearn for a protector. His love was simple it seemed just so simple to do - I loved his family, I loved his hustle, I loved his struggle, I loved his bow-legs, I loved the way he would tell me "its a small thing" and I felt like whatever I was worried about was not big at all- I loved his hands, lips and eyes. I loved him til it hurt. But being with him, wanting all of him when he could not give, was one of the most hurtful things I have felt. I spent nearly 3 years hoping for him to be what I knew he could be. Today he is exactly what I wanted him to be.
I saw him last week, the minute I saw him I looked down at his legs- they are still bowed; I looked in his eyes they are still exciting and wild; I looked at his lips- he still needs carmex on the bottom right side and I still wanted to kiss them; and then I looked long and hard at his hands- they still look like they could whoop anyone's ass and love on you in the next minute... but now he has a ring on the left finger. The next time I saw him that week I kept looking but trying not to look at it, the ring. We started talking and everything and I mean everything that I ever felt for him resurfaced and I could not do anything about it except feel like - it should have been me.
I am not sure why but an overwhelming sadness came over me- so I cried- cried hard, cried all night- I cried the next morning. Put on Simply Red and cried some more. I realized that I had made myself forget us because it hurt so much, I have done that in my life time- forgetting has helped me survive sometimes. So while I am figuring out my feelings I realize that as much as I was hurt and wanted him to be something he was not ready for - I was not ready to be what he needed... So instead of trying to have another "last night" with him (our last time ended bad) Or try to express how I feel I have decided to pray to have the good stuff from that relationship again- that is what I have decided to do.... Thats all I got for now.
Family
Aint shit change here lol-- I still love my nephews to death!! The love I have for them is the strongest I have ever felt and I wonder now if I can love my children the way I love them.
