Light and Love R.I.P. Big Mama

It is raining outside
Because there isn't one eye dry
Yet I still know
There is no light brighter
No love stronger
Than yours
Open for the world to see
And it is true
That this light and love are of you
And despite the call home
We are not alone
Because inch by inch
Stitch by stitch
You sowed a piece of you
Into to our hearts

The Lessons that Life Teaches

1. You did not make me so you cannot break me!

2. Your stripes and spots don't fit me... I prefer being a hippo!

3. Once a man and twice a child...

4. My spaceship don't come equipped with rear view mirrors!

5. You don't have to like it.... But I LOVE IT!!!

6. Just like lies, the truth has consequences.

7. You can't do things in life expecting a reward.

8. We all go through low rough patches, just some more than others...

9. The ability to learn from your mistake is God's grace at work!

10. Intuition is life's cliff notes!

G.O.O.D.B.Y.E. and God Bless

My cousin Erika Angel will be gone for at minimum a year on her most difficult and longest mission. I hate saying goodbye. She is my spiritual rock pushing me to become closer to Him and supporting my love for Christ when it seemed no one cared to and I miss her already so much....

G.O.O.D.B.Y.E.

God only grants us a moment in time

Only we are given a special gift made just for us

One or many may not understand His plan for you but in the end it is for you!!!

Done with the days of trying to explain why you are going to follow Him without apprehension

Because you haven't the time to be concerned with the world instead

You delight in saying "Yes Lord Yes to Your Will and To Your Way"

Everyday I will know that my letting you go is best....

The Gemini In Me

The Gemini in me is constantly fighting a battle between forgiveness and giving you the middle finger. Too often I find myself second guessing my better half, when it knows best. It has seen the kinder, sweeter and forgivably forgettable part of me let so much go and now it is growing a mind of its own. So no longer will I take kind to your dismissive, selfish and careless ways. No longer are the days in which I say it is ok. Because it is not. The Gemini in me will forever be understanding but you should understand this, that other side no longer gives a fuck about your mere existence. It lingers and waits for the opportunity to tell you exactly what you should do, where you can go to do it and just how many seconds you have to act accordingly before it turns green and becomes that bitch with whom you can't match fists or wits. The Gemini in me is a built in alarm system that has been Divinely appointed to me so that in times of hurt and dejection I can protect whatever is left. It takes pride in being stealth like yet reserving the right to be seen and heard when someone forgets or simply doesn't know that there is a ready beast within.

Possibly, Possibilty

It is the possibility of it all
that soon one day you will fall
A possibility that space & time can't define
Something God given & longed for for so long
A possibilty of a connection so strong
The possibilty of two hearts meeting just in time
and possibly those hearts being your's & mine

Butterfly Effect

I watched the movie The Butterfly Effect again and thought -- why am I drawn to this story? I looked up the theory of the Butterfly Effect and had quite the ah-ha moment. The Butterfly Effect, as it relates to human behavior, is simply the idea that small occurrences in one's life can render the most powerful changes. I think I have spent a lot of my life asking myself "what if", which is normal for children (survivors if you will) of abuse. The question gets replayed over and over again. What if (insert bad thing) hadn't happened to me, would I be "normal"? I still do not know the answer to that question nor do I know what 'normal' really is, but I am assuming it ain't me :) I hope not!!! Well, until I can get my own words together to express my thoughts here is what wiki says:

Although a butterfly flapping its wings has remained constant in the expression of this concept, the location of the butterfly, the consequences, and the location of the consequences have varied widely.The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that may ultimately alter the path of a tornado or delay, accelerate or even prevent the occurrence of a tornado in a certain location. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale alterations of events. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different. While the butterfly does not cause the tornado, the flap of its wings is an essential part of the initial conditions resulting in a tornado.

Chapter four of F. Scott Fitzgerald's story "Winter Dreams" contains the following sentence:
"The house was sturdy to accentuate Judy's slightness - as if to show what a breeze could be generated by a butterfly's wing."

Cool

At one point I did not care, but I have thought twice
And a few months before… a few months ago
All of this, between you and me, would have been nice
I am not sure what else to do...
I try to keep my distance
but despite every attempt -- I still want you
I am not quite sure how I got myself into this place
Our chemistry is explosive, but in the worst way
It is beginning to be like clock work
You call a little after 5
and soon, I am holding on to your every word
Hell I even enjoy the silent moments ....
It is true, you are a mix between
sweet and sour- just like I like it
Day by day, it becomes harder to play it cool...
nonchalant and what not
to act as if I do not want what you've got
No matter what angle I look at it, my feelings do not change
and thus, my confusion stays the same
I am not sure if I should go or give in and come
If I am just caught up in the matrix or could you be the one...
Or maybe... We are not good for each other.
I fear to find out, one way or another
Because I would hate to play the role, again, of love's fool
I suppose the best thing- is to just play it cool...

The world of a nursery...

Yesterday my latest addition of a nephew was brought into the world. Kai Street. Among the many emotions, I felt like I want a baby!!! I have not had a yearning for a child like this ever. My hope is that this does not grow and manifest itself in a negative way. I also was a bit ‘green’. Too often I see people like my brother or my students and sometimes my friends that are blessed with a child, yet they are not the most deserving of such a precious gift. I know that sounds presumptuous and what not but that is how I feel. Some people REALLY SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS. Conversely, I wish certain people would procreate a hell of a lot more.

Now the most prevalent emotion I felt was a sense of humanity emanating throughout the nursery! Their were five families looking into the nursery and trying to figure out which was their baby!!! There was an Eastern European (I say that because of the language they spoke), a white family (I say that because they spoke American lol), Asian family and us (my nephew’s mother is Greek)… No one could tell the babies apart. It was amazing to see that at least for the first few days on Earth, God has granted babies immunity from being defined by their race. Skin color, hair texture and all other physical traits that society uses to figure out what you are before figuring out who you are, don’t exist in the nursery!!!

Slow Down

I wish I had a moment to just breathe
Without all of the thoughts that make moves in my head...
Some time to not think about the next moment, hour or day..
I do not know how much time to pray for, so I ask for enough..
Enough time to focus, regroup and do this sh*t all over again..
I hope for just a few moments away from my needy family or friends calling to vent or to bring me into the drama that exist -but really wouldn't if they would just breathe-sit back and not do a d*mn thing about what we all inevitably do not control
I wish for long spans of time that will reverse all of the anxiety I feel when my alarm goes off at 5:30am, then again at 5:45am and eventually I am up at 6am.... heading to work …..Where everyday I look in the halls of my school and see-- students rushing, buzzing and moving to get to the same spot where they meet their next friend or boyfriend, and eventually they will get their next text, or next make out session in the corner of the next hall they enter.. then the warning bell will sound and it is off to their next class, next grade, next school and I cannot help but to hope that one day they will slow down to grasp and hold onto more than the subjects that we taught them, but more so the life lessons we gave them
I beg God to give me a day in which everything is done in slow motion, but all the while I would be moving in real time- HA!!- that way everyone else is late and I would finally be on time..
And since I am asking for some impossible sh*t, I am going to put in a special request for Him to slow down the natural maturation of my nephews because as seconds go by, minutes soon multiply and now I am looking at 4 boys who are soon to be men and I am not sure if time or their shiftless parents have gifted them wisdom to do so..
Oh and I know its too late and maybe a waste of- ironically- time to consider, but if perhaps God would grant my best friend some time to have matured before having my god daughter that would be great.. I am not asking to go into some kind of time portal in which time would be reversed but I am just saying- she wasn’t ready for Kenadi and neither was her body and now I am here asking for some very selfish moments with my best friend that doesn’t require me visiting her in a cold hospital looking into her empty eyes while she is bearing pain ten times worse than child birth, all the while I have this fake smile on my face for what seems to be an eternity, because no one in her condition wants to see you break down even though your hurt breaks every time you see her…
I wish something would finally just f*cking give!! I am not sure how long my parents will last if every minute is filled with caring for any and everybody but themselves.. I look at them and see how complicated life can get and how unforgiving, relentless and painful time can be when you cannot slow down
I wish I had a moment to just breathe, Without all of the thoughts that make moves in my head... Some time to not think about the next moment, hour or day..
I do not know how much time to pray for so I ask for enough..

Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys I do Adore!!

I have been working on this one for a minute. I find it comical and I suppose it is sort of an homage to Jay Z's song.

I love boys, boys, boys boys- boys I do adore..
Love you all but now, I really want more.

I know this southern pretty boy
He's smart and gotta lotta charm
He is just too much like me
and therefore, keeps a few on his arm
Though things will never be nor workout
I have a friend forever and thats no doubt

I still love boys, boys, boys boys- boys I do adore..
Love you all but now, I really want more.

I had this bad Asian dude - could get real rude
loves me, can ball and hoop
but he isn't too smart ????
So I guess he breaks all the rules
Like the rest he is a little too young
So its never nothing serious just good fun

because I still love boys, boys, boys boys- boys I do adore..
Love you all but now, I really want more.

Now I had this nerdy little dude
Thought it was just games with his stick
But I was ever so wrong
Cuz he turned out to be an internet pimp
No hard feelings no -none- indeed
Learned the hard way to slow down my speed

oh but I still love boys, boys, boys boys- boys I do adore..
Love you all but now, I really want more.

As for my geneous physics geek
Cute white boy that loves to teach
Acted like a virgin but got loose like a freak
now- no -I didn't give it up or give in
So he had to leave -of course- in the end
It was great while it lasted, had a lot of fun
even though I knew he would never be the one

and I still love boys, boys, boys boys- boys I do adore..
Love you all but now, I really want more.

Got an engineering Alpha male- guess he is like the rest
except he is the one I have cared for best
father of what wasn't meant to be
Sweet, smart, and my personal Suge Avery
he is a sleepy little thing
with designing dreams
but I still love him and his crazy ways
hate to admit it but I do miss him some days

guess that's why I love boys, boys, boys boys- boys I do adore..
Love you all but now, I really want more......

tick...tock...

I am looking for something that can keep me from wondering
Something that sustains the eager part of me
So that I might sit still awhile
Long enough
To stay awhile
I am wanting that special something that yearns for my attention
That one thing that doesn't need reinvention
Special enough to sit still awhile
Long enough
To stay awhile
I pray, that one day -in it- I will find a peace so immeasurable
That seems nearly unattainable, perhaps even insurmountable
Yet, in its rareness, it will be palpable
And for all to see
That finally, something that caught my eye
Kept me....
Just long enough, to stay awhile…

when morning comes...

a slight cool is in the air while the moon finishes its last act
the light of day plays center stage
nothing makes the world go round...but this light
you can't ignore it once the show starts and all actors are on stage but even the best cannot outshine this luminous star
it creases the sky grabbing the attention of its subjects
no one can deny how it changes the mood from dark to light
no matter what .. without words it makes what's wrong right
enlightening sun-in spreads and its beauty, seen only when
your eyes are open!